This fu**ing hell doesn’t stop. I wanna smash sh*t into pieces, light it on fire and then stab it into more pieces, and blast it into space. Instead, I’m writing this bull**it.
I think there’s a form of therapy where you just vent, and spill your thoughts to someone or on paper. Either that or you convey your emotions into something, or some form of creation. As of right now, that creation ain’t happening, too overwhelmed, so instead, I’m gonna throw all this theoretical shit into digital form – 0s and 1s – and talk a bunch of crap that makes no sense. Glad I’m not even around people right now, ’cause I’d smash someone into two pieces down the middle and laugh, fucking psychopath sh*t. Funny enough, I wouldn’t, and couldn’t ever hurt anyone. Instead it’s trapped within, at thy self. Anger through the roof at the moment. Extreme rage and anger turned inward. That’s how it feels, and it’s amazing what anxiety has the power to do. Catch me on a good day and I’m calm and collected, however catch me on a day like today and i’ll rip your face off. Not enjoyable. Best thing to do when feeling like this? Stay LOCKED UP INSIDE. Outside world is f**cking deadly for someone with anger issues. All it takes is one wrong move and you can end up in loads of crap.
This anxiety sh*t is a piece of work I gotta say. Whoever created this “anxiety” feeling is a fu**ing mastermind of death. If I could meet him/her, I’d do some unspeakable things to them. Torture it, just like it tortured me. Eye for eye. But, funny enough, its created within my own head/body. Maybe I should wreck myself instead.
This sh*t is the spell of the devil. Perhaps even demons have latched onto me at this point, cause honestly? Whatever this disease is, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And that’s saying A LOT.
Trapped within your own body, like some sort of mental jail, with poisonous fumes leaking into your cell and poisoning you more by the day. If you’re lucky enough to emerge from the jail that you’ve been imprisoned in (for however many years), you gotta learn sh*t from the start, like some sort of child learning how to walk or talk for the first time. That’s why, when you meet people that are “survivors” after enduring sh*t like this for decades? They’re usually THICK SKINNED MOTHERF***ERS. I know of a few myself, they’re mentally destroyed, yet still trucking. Are they healed? No-where-near, but somehow they’re alive. It’s a fucking miracle on 34th street. “Hey Santa! I’ve been suffering way too long, what do I get this year?!” “You get a big box of more suffering, that’s what”
There’s two ways with this sh*t. You either cope/get better or die. There ain’t no grey area. It’s a white or black outcome. Either get the help, help yourself somehow, or just stop trying.
Which brings me to this post.
Went to bed last night (last morning actually) and noticed my left ear was ringing. Woke up this morning, and the f***ing thing is still ringing. (ringing this minute as I write this too)
If I make it to be an old grumpy a**hole down the road, I’ll make sure to put out a memoir/book of all the bullsh*t I’ve gone through. At least someone will get some sort of benefit from it. Some sort of entertainment and laughter from all the crap I’ve seen and gone through. My own brain is fighting itself. F***ing retarded if you ask me.
People think “Anxiety disorders” are just “anxiety”. Can’t really blame them or expect them to understand it if they don’t have it. They won’t get it, so don’t waste your time explaining it to them.
Anxiety Disorders are cancer of the soul, mental, and physical being.
If you’re healthy and taking your life for granted? Take my word for it and;
LIVE HARD. LIVE DANGEROUSLY. AND F**K IT. YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE. (Unless you believe in the spiritual after-world like me. Which is where the real fun starts…)
I just noticed it’s 9/11. Jesus f***. Never forget.
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