Another pathetic attempt at something productive. I made an appointment, but I didn’t attend it. Wonder why…I’m a fucking retard with mental problems. Durrrrrr gonna fucking punch myself. Feel like smashing shit apart and breaking something badly. I spent 15 minutes or so in bed laying there today and thinking, “Should I go?” “I’m too fuckin’ out of it for this today” followed by “I’m too goddamn anxious”. I tried to get up for a second, which was followed by some bad physical symptoms, so I laid back down. This wasn’t about positive or negative thinking, it was down to fact. I wasn’t ready for this type of commitment. It was some sort of life and death decision thinking, it felt overwhelming and numb/dead like. Reminded me of some nasty shit from the past.
As for the appointment, it wasn’t my idea in the first place, but whatever. I called for the sheer reason of gathering info and that’s all, I should of been firmer in my stand, instead of saying “ok” before thinking it through fully. Now I’m even more anxious to call back or go there. I don’t have many options- but – to call back and make up an excuse, or, go somewhere else and try. Then again, all this was obvious from the dreams I had the day I made the stupid fuckin’ appointment. They all pointed to a specific meaning which was the EXACT outcome today. I feel like a piece of shit. Make that, an anxious piece of shit. Not that I am, but I surely feel like that.
Whats crazy about all this is the fact I had no dreams recently that I could recollect or any that made any impression on me. However, all that changed the day I made the appointment and went to sleep.
Going from point 0 to 80 in one fast move isn’t normal nor is it advised for people that are unstable and not on their feet. Learning the hard way isn’t fun. Today was bullshit and baby-steps are the only way to function and get ahead from now on, which means everyone and everything else can fuck off. I shall not be around nor will I be posting on here.