This news is painful to process.
This news is painful to process.
As a long time fan and admirer I had the great privilege of seeing and witnessing his genius live in front of my eyes almost 6 years ago now.
In a strange circle of events I remember the show vividly to this day, mainly because my mood was shot to hell and all I had on my mind was death. I got through the show despite the severe panic attacks, deranged thoughts, sweats and absolute horror of sitting amongst thousands of people in a confined space. I felt like killing myself that day or doing some sort of harm, but thanks to his gift of laughter and being so genuinely human and heartfelt he lifted my mood greatly. This is the main reason this news hits so hard.
Depression is an endless black, smouldering cloud even on the sunniest of days.
For anyone that’s an artist out there, we’ve lost one of our greats. Ending on a happier note, we’ll have decades of laughs to come thanks to the brilliant catalog of work and talent he left us with in his diverse and extraordinary career.
RIP Robin McLaurin Williams (July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014)
A legend gone way too soon…
Whats another 20km…
The weather is warming up, and cooling down. It can’t make up its mind. It’s early in the morning and I’m sitting here drinking a beer for the first time in months and listening to some dark drone. Anyways, it’ll be warm soon and that means sun, lots of sun (hopefully) – something I’ve been lacking for a very long time in abundance. I need my sun. The sun needs me. We need each other. If I could touch the sun I would (that sexy bright solar giant) 😉
I have a few plans with the sun, one which consists of traveling 50km solo. Where I shall go will be desolate, green, full of wildlife and right up my alley. Only problem is, its 50km. I’m used to 38km on a daily basis so I don’t think it’ll be to much to handle. If it’s to easy, I’ll push it even further. I’ll be documenting this ‘get away trip‘ with some gear…perhaps even video (if I don’t have a panic attack) Been having a lot of those lately. *Drone plays* There is more I could say, but fuck it. I shouldn’t dwell on the negative points, but only the positive.
Come to think of it, I haven’t made a post regarding any mental health issues in months. This is the first in quite some time.
I feel like getting loaded. I haven’t been properly loaded in awhile. Make that early 2013. Fuck that’s long. Then again, maybe its good for me, maybe not. I question things more nowadays. What’s the meaning behind this? I’m becoming old. I’m questioning the question now. Mind fuck!
One (me, I myself) must ponder about whether 2013 was a good or bad year – or a mix of both. On one side, the year started off tense and nuts. Going out partying for the fist time in 8 years was a mind fuck. It was a liberation to the soul and mind and the physical being. I took it to other levels, and came out alive. Sometimes I gotta remind myself that I’m not 20 anymore and I need to calm down, but that’s simply who I am. Live fast, and hard. I got myself into messed up situations and survived. My head was in a different ‘space‘ back then and thinking back at it now is quite a nostalgic feeling. Surprisingly enough the lead up to a fresh start in 2013 came at the late end of a 2012 health disaster and other bullshit that wouldn’t end. Yet, 2013 opened up to be a roller coaster of fun and liberation – …at least at first. Shortly after all this fun, it came to a grinding, debilitating mess which came about by unforeseen events. Either way, as insanely messed up and hard this past year was I did make the best of it in terms of educating myself on numerous subjects (to a fairly high degree) and I ain’t stopping in 2014.
Now, it’s officially Jan, 1st, 2014 and there are 365 days to utilize to full potential. Of course, that’s not always possible due to uncontrollable & unseen circumstances that arise and come within a full years length. With that being said though, certain shit needs to be done regardless and I don’t really want to waste any time. 2014 ‘could‘ and ‘should‘ be a new start fresh, surely it can be a slow, baby-step one and as long as it’s a steady baby-step one – then I’m good. I for one do not like making long term future goals, instead, I live day by day, doing shit step-by-step…..(rambles off on tangent..”Step by step ooh baby, Gonna get to you girl, Step by step ooh baby, Really want you in my world“) 😉
Anyways, breaking it all down – 2013 was the year of new organic music exploration & creation, getting out (at least in the beginning), studying film & photography religiously, bringing knowledge to my brain, lifestyle changes, confessions, nostalgic memories, feeling inspired & liberated, changing styles, learning some more, and starting this blog. Was it enough? No it wasn’t, but that’s ’cause I’m hard on myself (So I’m told 24-7). Was it enjoyable? Yep, it had its high points for sure, but it also had its low points. There were some relapses (that lasted very short thankfully), confusion, anger, and what not. Music studio gear broke and is broken currently, and other wild escapades that need not mentioning since I wish to completely forget about them – thank you very much 😉
To finish this off, I’m signing this blog post off with a ‘few’ pieces of music, 4 per each quarter of the year that encompass the full emotional state this year was about……here we go:
d) – – Full Album – because it was the best thing I’ve heard in years.
Which brings us to the FINAL quarter of the year, and that means something to sign us off…
Epic song, to an epic year 😉
Can’t sleep, too much shit on my head, going through old school files, pictures, films, emails and projects this and that, its all just too crazy too see it after so much time.
It’s amazing how powerful a little program like iMovie really is. I was afraid some of the experimental shit I did last year in there was deleted since I tried to clean up as much crap on the studio music machine (computer) as I could (still gotta finish). Thankfully, it’s all there, each clip an scene, and I really need to score the little short. I totally forgot about it.
It’s such a nostalgic roller-coaster watching it after almost a FULL year ’cause so much other stuff has happened since. But – “damn” – that was inspiring to watch and be able to witness what the mind is capable of accomplishing when it’s “functioning” on a proper level as opposed to how my mind is working right now under all this fuckerie thats going on.
Funny enough, there is so much shit to do and accomplish, get taken care of, buy, etc right now, yet at the same time there is so much anxiety. Talk about ‘bad’ timing… Something’s gotta happen, it’s almost half way through November and I feel like Richie Aprile……………and we all know how that ended.
ps. Firefox 25 is weird looking and the fonts are all different. Wowowow passing out fuck this shit.
Holy fucking Nostalgia. That was intense. Too, too too… intense. Wow.
Didn’t expect that at all. Reading emails from the High School days was not needed. Why the fuck did I read all that shit? I purposely forgot about most of that crap ages ago and reading it just now was just *shivers*… brought back a LOAD of emotions. Perhaps this is therapeutic? Heh, this excites me for shrink talk. I’ll drive the doctor into therapy after she’s done with me.
This social anxiety/agoraphobia and depression shit doesn’t fuck around eh? One minute you’re up, next minute you’re down. It’s too much. Goddamn roller-coaster. Best thing to do is just get the fuck out there and be around people. Even if you’re sweating like an African bullfrog on a steamy, humid evening night in the Sahara.
*never again shall I go back in time and re-read 12 year old emails… my god… not good for one’s head or mental state*
I feel a panic attack coming on.. I gotta go.
This fu**ing hell doesn’t stop. I wanna smash sh*t into pieces, light it on fire and then stab it into more pieces, and blast it into space. Instead, I’m writing this bull**it.
I think there’s a form of therapy where you just vent, and spill your thoughts to someone or on paper. Either that or you convey your emotions into something, or some form of creation. As of right now, that creation ain’t happening, too overwhelmed, so instead, I’m gonna throw all this theoretical shit into digital form – 0s and 1s – and talk a bunch of crap that makes no sense. Glad I’m not even around people right now, ’cause I’d smash someone into two pieces down the middle and laugh, fucking psychopath sh*t. Funny enough, I wouldn’t, and couldn’t ever hurt anyone. Instead it’s trapped within, at thy self. Anger through the roof at the moment. Extreme rage and anger turned inward. That’s how it feels, and it’s amazing what anxiety has the power to do. Catch me on a good day and I’m calm and collected, however catch me on a day like today and i’ll rip your face off. Not enjoyable. Best thing to do when feeling like this? Stay LOCKED UP INSIDE. Outside world is f**cking deadly for someone with anger issues. All it takes is one wrong move and you can end up in loads of crap.
This anxiety sh*t is a piece of work I gotta say. Whoever created this “anxiety” feeling is a fu**ing mastermind of death. If I could meet him/her, I’d do some unspeakable things to them. Torture it, just like it tortured me. Eye for eye. But, funny enough, its created within my own head/body. Maybe I should wreck myself instead.
This sh*t is the spell of the devil. Perhaps even demons have latched onto me at this point, cause honestly? Whatever this disease is, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And that’s saying A LOT.
Trapped within your own body, like some sort of mental jail, with poisonous fumes leaking into your cell and poisoning you more by the day. If you’re lucky enough to emerge from the jail that you’ve been imprisoned in (for however many years), you gotta learn sh*t from the start, like some sort of child learning how to walk or talk for the first time. That’s why, when you meet people that are “survivors” after enduring sh*t like this for decades? They’re usually THICK SKINNED MOTHERF***ERS. I know of a few myself, they’re mentally destroyed, yet still trucking. Are they healed? No-where-near, but somehow they’re alive. It’s a fucking miracle on 34th street. “Hey Santa! I’ve been suffering way too long, what do I get this year?!” “You get a big box of more suffering, that’s what”
There’s two ways with this sh*t. You either cope/get better or die. There ain’t no grey area. It’s a white or black outcome. Either get the help, help yourself somehow, or just stop trying.
Which brings me to this post.
Went to bed last night (last morning actually) and noticed my left ear was ringing. Woke up this morning, and the f***ing thing is still ringing. (ringing this minute as I write this too)
If I make it to be an old grumpy a**hole down the road, I’ll make sure to put out a memoir/book of all the bullsh*t I’ve gone through. At least someone will get some sort of benefit from it. Some sort of entertainment and laughter from all the crap I’ve seen and gone through. My own brain is fighting itself. F***ing retarded if you ask me.
People think “Anxiety disorders” are just “anxiety”. Can’t really blame them or expect them to understand it if they don’t have it. They won’t get it, so don’t waste your time explaining it to them.
Anxiety Disorders are cancer of the soul, mental, and physical being.
If you’re healthy and taking your life for granted? Take my word for it and;
LIVE HARD. LIVE DANGEROUSLY. AND F**K IT. YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE. (Unless you believe in the spiritual after-world like me. Which is where the real fun starts…)
I just noticed it’s 9/11. Jesus f***. Never forget.
———————————– If an ad appears under this post, ignore it, don’t click it. they’re starting to put ad’s up now for some reason.
Sounds about right 😀 I’m an anxiety disorder magnet. Guess what zodiac sign I am and I’ll give you a prize.
“I need help”
“That’ll be $170”
“I don’t work, I got no cash, fix me up, I beg of youuuuu”
“Can’t do that, need money, now get out”
Motherfuckin’ health care system needs a fixing over here. How the hell are people supposed to afford treatment if they don’t work? Who came up with this logic? Thanks a lot governments.. ha… ha…
I swear to god, one of these days with all I know, I’ll open my own nonprofit mood disorder clinic to help and offer support to people so they don’t have to go through this shit hole of a system.
That was fun.
It was the middle of the day, sun beaming, 30ºC, massive panic attack for about 50 minutes, non stop while I was outside. There was no break. I mean, I’m “severely” agoraphobic and have “severe” social anxiety so if/and while I’m outside at any point of the day, it’s non stop terror for me. Actually, “terror” isn’t even remotely close to describe the shit this disorder(s) brings. But, that wasn’t enough apparently. What else do I need added to my day? Distorted vision why of course!
Sweating profusely, shaking (inside and outside), paranoid, hyper-vigilance isn’t enough apparently, the list of physical symptoms at this point is really so long, that there is no point in typing out the other shit. As a matter a fact, I’m convinced the whoever has these disorders is so hypersensitive to stimuli by nature, that the smallest thing throws them into panic mode. Lights, noises, people talking, can set us off. But it’s not enough I have all that stuff, now I have distorted vision to add to this great list.
In the midst of everything happening I pretty much became blind; Eyes twitching, sore, burning, and then everything started shaking around me. Like a sound wave of sound, expect it was visual. The lights, people, air, sky, buildings, houses all SHOOK wildly. They became distorted in nature. “Welcome to hell” should of been displayed at this point somewhere. This was like fuel for the panic attack that already started the minute I stepped out the door when I left for my excursion. Despite all this bullshit, I magically made it to my destination. Then I had to retreat back home. 50 minutes later to be precise, I entered the door wheezing, hyperventilating, and so exhausted that words will never express the experience.
This happens everyday for the last 10 years. Living in jail is better then this hell.