The weather is warming up, and cooling down. It can’t make up its mind. It’s early in the morning and I’m sitting here drinking a beer for the first time in months and listening to some dark drone. Anyways, it’ll be warm soon and that means sun, lots of sun (hopefully) – something I’ve been lacking for a very long time in abundance. I need my sun. The sun needs me. We need each other. If I could touch the sun I would (that sexy bright solar giant) 😉

I have a few plans with the sun, one which consists of traveling 50km solo. Where I shall go will be desolate, green, full of wildlife and right up my alley. Only problem is, its 50km. I’m used to 38km on a daily basis so I don’t think it’ll be to much to handle. If it’s to easy, I’ll push it even further. I’ll be documenting this ‘get away trip‘ with some gear…perhaps even video (if I don’t have a panic attack) Been having a lot of those lately. *Drone plays* There is more I could say, but fuck it. I shouldn’t dwell on the negative points, but only the positive.

Come to think of it, I haven’t made a post regarding any mental health issues in months. This is the first in quite some time.

I feel like getting loaded. I haven’t been properly loaded in awhile. Make that early 2013. Fuck that’s long. Then again, maybe its good for me, maybe not. I question things more nowadays. What’s the meaning behind this? I’m becoming old. I’m questioning the question now. Mind fuck!

PEACEEEEEE

January 1, 2014 by rhinestonescastle

Thy Shall Ponder

One (me, I myself) must ponder about whether 2013 was a good or bad year – or a mix of both. On one side, the year started off tense and nuts. Going out partying for the fist time in 8 years was a mind fuck. It was a liberation to the soul and mind and the physical being. I took it to other levels, and came out alive. Sometimes I gotta remind myself that I’m not 20 anymore and I need to calm down, but that’s simply who I am. Live fast, and hard. I got myself into messed up situations and survived. My head was in a different ‘space‘ back then and thinking back at it now is quite a nostalgic feeling. Surprisingly enough the lead up to a fresh start in 2013 came at the late end of a 2012 health disaster and other bullshit that wouldn’t end. Yet, 2013 opened up to be a roller coaster of fun and liberation – …at least at first. Shortly after all this fun, it came to a grinding, debilitating mess which came about by unforeseen events. Either way, as insanely messed up and hard this past year was I did make the best of it in terms of educating myself on numerous subjects (to a fairly high degree) and I ain’t stopping in 2014.

Now, it’s officially Jan, 1st, 2014 and there are 365 days to utilize to full potential. Of course, that’s not always possible due to uncontrollable & unseen circumstances that arise and come within a full years length. With that being said though, certain shit needs to be done regardless and I don’t really want to waste any time. 2014 ‘could‘ and ‘should‘ be a new start fresh, surely it can be a slow, baby-step one and as long as it’s a steady baby-step one – then I’m good. I for one do not like making long term future goals, instead, I live day by day, doing shit step-by-step…..(rambles off on tangent..”Step by step ooh baby, Gonna get to you girl, Step by step ooh baby, Really want you in my world“) 😉

Anyways, breaking it all down – 2013 was the year of new organic music exploration & creation, getting out (at least in the beginning), studying film & photography religiously, bringing knowledge to my brain, lifestyle changes, confessions, nostalgic memories, feeling inspired & liberated, changing styles, learning some more, and starting this blog. Was it enough? No it wasn’t, but that’s ’cause I’m hard on myself (So I’m told 24-7). Was it enjoyable? Yep, it had its high points for sure, but it also had its low points. There were some relapses (that lasted very short thankfully), confusion, anger, and what not. Music studio gear broke and is broken currently, and other wild escapades that need not mentioning since I wish to completely forget about them – thank you very much 😉

2013 begins….

To finish this off, I’m signing this blog post off with a ‘few’ pieces of music, 4 per each quarter of the year that encompass the full emotional state this year was about……here we go:

Q1 ————————————————————————-

Q2 ————————————————————————-

d) – – Full Album – because it was the best thing I’ve heard in years.

Q3 ————————————————————————-

Q4 ————————————————————————-

Which brings us to the FINAL quarter of the year, and that means something to sign us off…

Epic song, to an epic year 😉

December 24, 2013 by rhinestonescastle

Warning

A reindeer about to have himself some Laga 16. Santa chillin’ in the back.
Photo – © https://rhinestonescastle.wordpress.com

A warming in advance to all my precious followers, spam-bots, and whatever/whoever else lives on wordpress:

Tomorrow this blog may get completely over taken by copious amounts of music, fuckerie, rantings, pictures and other miscellaneous bullshit, as I achieve a level of “crunk” that hasn’t been reached since early March of this year. When the inebriated state hits me full force, the shit storm will be evident from several internet miles away. Fear not, I shall recuperate.

Thanks for listening all you beautiful people and some not so beautiful 😀

November 24, 2013 by rhinestonescastle

Misc November Stuff

Last night was trippy. Tonight was trippier. The above album, bomb. FLAC file + prime AD/DA converters + drink = bliss.

Tonight marked the first snowfall of the year. November, 23, 2013. -15’C or so outside. Felt good to be walking out there, next time I’ll bring the point and shoot along if I can muster up the courage.

In other news: Drone and Dark Ambient have a good effect on my sleep recently, then again, they always have. Depending on what style I’m listening too, it almost always affects the dream(s).

With that being said, since I mostly indulge in dark ambient, it does produce some very fucked up nightmares and dreams for me. Call it a sick twisted desire of mine, but I enjoy it.

To end it off, my palate tastes of soft peat, delicate smoke and subtle sweet Italian liqueur…

The Godfather

2 shots Scotch (smokey-peaty ones work best imho)

3/4 of a shot of Disaronno (or less). Depends how sweet you like your drinks. (Personally, I don’t enjoy them sweet)

Serve over ice

….this was the second glass, I almost forgot how delicious this is.

Now, sleep awaits. Tomorrow calls for another day of backing up more files.

November 7, 2013 by rhinestonescastle

huh

Wow.

Can’t sleep, too much shit on my head, going through old school files, pictures, films, emails and projects this and that, its all just too crazy too see it after so much time.

It’s amazing how powerful a little program like iMovie really is. I was afraid some of the experimental shit I did last year in there was deleted since I tried to clean up as much crap on the studio music machine (computer) as I could (still gotta finish). Thankfully, it’s all there, each clip an scene, and I really need to score the little short. I totally forgot about it.

It’s such a nostalgic roller-coaster watching it after almost a FULL year ’cause so much other stuff has happened since. But – “damn” – that was inspiring to watch and be able to witness what the mind is capable of accomplishing when it’s “functioning” on a proper level as opposed to how my mind is working right now under all this fuckerie thats going on.

Funny enough, there is so much shit to do and accomplish, get taken care of, buy, etc right now, yet at the same time there is so much anxiety. Talk about ‘bad’ timing… Something’s gotta happen, it’s almost half way through November and I feel like Richie Aprile……………and we all know how that ended.

ps. Firefox 25 is weird looking and the fonts are all different. Wowowow passing out fuck this shit.

October 13, 2013 by rhinestonescastle

That was Batshit

Holy fucking Nostalgia. That was intense. Too, too too… intense. Wow.

Didn’t expect that at all.  Reading emails from the High School days was not needed. Why the fuck did I read all that shit? I purposely forgot about most of that crap ages ago and reading it just now was just *shivers*… brought back a LOAD of emotions. Perhaps this is therapeutic? Heh, this excites me for shrink talk. I’ll drive the doctor into therapy after she’s done with me.

This social anxiety/agoraphobia and depression shit doesn’t fuck around eh? One minute you’re up, next minute you’re down. It’s too much. Goddamn roller-coaster. Best thing to do is just get the fuck out there and be around people. Even if you’re sweating like an African bullfrog on a steamy, humid evening night in the Sahara.

*never again shall I go back in time and re-read 12 year old emails… my god… not good for one’s head or mental state*

I feel a panic attack coming on.. I gotta go.

September 11, 2013 by rhinestonescastle

How Anxiety Disorders are the cancer of the mental, physical, and spiritual being.

This fu**ing hell doesn’t stop. I wanna smash sh*t into pieces, light it on fire and then stab it into more pieces, and blast it into space. Instead, I’m writing this bull**it.

I think there’s a form of therapy where you just vent, and spill your thoughts to someone or on paper. Either that or you convey your emotions into something, or some form of creation. As of right now, that creation ain’t happening, too overwhelmed, so instead, I’m gonna throw all this theoretical shit into digital form – 0s and 1s – and talk a bunch of crap that makes no sense. Glad I’m not even around people right now, ’cause I’d smash someone into two pieces down the middle and laugh, fucking psychopath sh*t. Funny enough, I wouldn’t, and couldn’t ever hurt anyone. Instead it’s trapped within, at thy self. Anger through the roof at the moment. Extreme rage and anger turned inward. That’s how it feels, and it’s amazing what anxiety has the power to do. Catch me on a good day and I’m calm and collected, however catch me on a day like today and i’ll rip your face off. Not enjoyable. Best thing to do when feeling like this? Stay LOCKED UP INSIDE. Outside world is f**cking deadly for someone with anger issues. All it takes is one wrong move and you can end up in loads of crap.

This anxiety sh*t is a piece of work I gotta say. Whoever created this “anxiety” feeling is a fu**ing mastermind of death. If I could meet him/her, I’d do some unspeakable things to them. Torture it, just like it tortured me. Eye for eye. But, funny enough, its created within my own head/body. Maybe I should wreck myself instead.

This sh*t is the spell of the devil. Perhaps even demons have latched onto me at this point, cause honestly? Whatever this disease is, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And that’s saying A LOT.

Trapped within your own body, like some sort of mental jail, with poisonous fumes leaking into your cell and poisoning you more by the day. If you’re lucky enough to emerge from the jail that you’ve been imprisoned in (for however many years), you gotta learn sh*t from the start, like some sort of child learning how to walk or talk for the first time. That’s why, when you meet people that are “survivors” after enduring sh*t like this for decades? They’re usually THICK SKINNED MOTHERF***ERS. I know of a few myself, they’re mentally destroyed, yet still trucking. Are they healed? No-where-near, but somehow they’re alive. It’s a fucking miracle on 34th street. “Hey Santa! I’ve been suffering way too long, what do I get this year?!” “You get a big box of more suffering, that’s what”

There’s two ways with this sh*t. You either cope/get better or die. There ain’t no grey area. It’s a white or black outcome. Either get the help, help yourself somehow, or just stop trying.

Which brings me to this post.

Went to bed last night (last morning actually) and noticed my left ear was ringing. Woke up this morning, and the f***ing thing is still ringing. (ringing this minute as I write this too)

If I make it to be an old grumpy a**hole down the road, I’ll make sure to put out a memoir/book of all the bullsh*t I’ve gone through. At least someone will get some sort of benefit from it. Some sort of entertainment and laughter from all the crap I’ve seen and gone through. My own brain is fighting itself. F***ing retarded if you ask me.

People think “Anxiety disorders” are just “anxiety”. Can’t really blame them or expect them to understand it if they don’t have it. They won’t get it, so don’t waste your time explaining it to them.

Anxiety Disorders are cancer of the soul, mental, and physical being.

If you’re healthy and taking your life for granted? Take my word for it and;

LIVE HARD. LIVE DANGEROUSLY. AND F**K IT. YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE. (Unless you believe in the spiritual after-world like me. Which is where the real fun starts…)

I just noticed it’s 9/11. Jesus f***. Never forget.

———————————– If an ad appears under this post, ignore it, don’t click it. they’re starting to put ad’s up now for some reason.

August 19, 2013 by rhinestonescastle

But I already knew that guys…

Sounds about right 😀 I’m an anxiety disorder magnet. Guess what zodiac sign I am and I’ll give you a prize.

“I need help”

“That’ll be $170”

“I don’t work, I got no cash, fix me up, I beg of youuuuu”

“Can’t do that, need money, now get out”

Motherfuckin’ health care system needs a fixing over here. How the hell are people supposed to afford treatment if they don’t work? Who came up with this logic? Thanks a lot governments.. ha… ha…

I swear to god, one of these days with all I know, I’ll open my own nonprofit mood disorder clinic to help and offer support to people so they don’t have to go through this shit hole of a system.